After posting the nominees yesterday, we received thousands of votes on Twitter, Facebook, and here, due in part to the help of the Crimson Bolt himself, Rainn Wilson, who spread the word on Twitter.  So, without further ado, here are the 50 Superheroes you are just dying to eff:

1.     Wonder Woman

For the second year in a row, Princess Diana is the big winner.  It seems like many guys out there are hoping she’ll lasso their penises and make them tell the truth – which is that they want to be inside of Princess Diana!

2.     Batman

This year, Batman steals the title of Sexiest Male Superhero from Gambit. Only a few votes separated him from Wonder Woman in a heated race for number 1.  Next year, Bats!

3.     Catwoman

This supervillain turned anti-hero has been making my penis feel funny since I was four years old and saw Julie Newmar playing her on TV.  Today she’s as sexy as ever, especially when drawn by the supertalented Adam Hughes (above).

4.     Rogue

I personally don’t understand the sexual fascination with Rogue – sure, I love the accent (though I would mention to all Marvel writers that it’s a creative writing no-no to phonetically write out every single bit of dialogue by a person with an accent), but I don’t quite get the appeal of a woman whose touch will fuck you up.  I guess I’ll have to use the Magnum sized condoms (over my whole body).

5.     Gambit

My girlfriend voted for this Cajun fruit. I think she’s looking to have a devil’s three way with the two of us.  The idea of my balls slapping against Gambit’s makes me sick to my stomach, but I can’t deny the fellow’s pure HEAT, as he yet again placed so high on this list, despite being male and in the presence of so many A-listers.  Wolverine and Superman may beat him in sales, but it’s who the ladies love that really matters, and Gambit is the Galactus of Cock!

6.     Storm

Rising a full 24 places, Storm is once again our highest ranking woman-of-color and considering most of our other women-of-color on this list are green or blue or pink, that’s quite a feat.

7.     Emma Frost

What I love about Emma is the practical attire she wears while adventuring.  Certainly, if I were a woman fighting giant monsters I’d want to wear some awesome breast-mushing halter top, a pair of panties, and thigh highs.  That stuff would never get in the way.  For those men who love rude bitches, the White Queen is number one.

8.     The Black Widow

It’s hard to believe the Russian spy who Tony Stark called “sexual napalm” didn’t even rank last year!  Natasha Romanova is the highest debut on the list, and, considering she’s fucked half the men in the Marvel Universe, it’s much deserved.

9.     She-Hulk

As you might guess by my 4’9″ real life girlfriend, the giantess fantasy isn’t my thing. But, if I ever were in the mood to be dominated and treated like a little bitch, by someone who is green, then She-Hulk would almost certainly be the way to go.

10. The Black Cat

Felicia Hardy rises 12 spots to enter the top ten (just barely), making it clear that if you want to be the apple of the fanboys’ eyes, wearing a black body suit is the way to go.

11. Jean Grey

Is it unfair that I’m using a picture of Jean Grey as the Black Queen, when she was actually a superVILLAIN, even though this is a superHERO poll?  Not to your penis. Or vagina. Or penis-vagina thing.

12. Superman

It seems women (and, yes, unlike a few of the others on this list – Wally West, I’m looking at you – it seems almost all of the people who voted for Supes were women) are willing to take the risk of sperm shooting out of the back of their spine for the chance at one night of all-American super-pleasure.

13. Zatanna

I love how, over at Marvel, they try to make their Sorcerer Supreme as realistic as possible, by having him recite hundreds of complex spells from dozens of fictional arcane texts but, over at DC, with their sorceress-in-residence, they’re just like:  She says shit backwards!  Oh, and she wears a top hat.  Whatever the case, guess what, Zatanna? Won uoy od mir sboj.

14. Wolverine

I just want to make sure that everyone who voted for Wolverine knows he’s very, very hairy and is probably about three-foot-five.

15. Power Girl

While searching for photos of Power Girl, I found a whole sub-culture of fan art dedicated to the biggest pair of breasts in comics.  Although I’m instead using the art of the far more tasteful Adam Hughes here, I did save a few of the others for my own private collection.

16. Iron Man

Personally, if I were into dudes, I think Batman would be too stiff in bed, Superman would be too good-natured, and Wolvie would be too accidentally-shredding-me-with-his-claws-upon-orgasm. I’d want a dude who had, you know, experience – someone who has fucked most the superheroines on the planet, and knew what he was doing. I’d go Tony Stark.  Although I’d ask him, kindly, to lose the current prison pussy and go back to the ‘stache.

17. Elektra

Another new debut. If you’re turned on by characters whose costume always seems to be blowing in extremely harsh winds when everyone around her seems perfectly still, then Elektra is your woman.  Maybe she’s like carrying one of those little mini-fans, only a mini-fan who will give you a really terrific, Ninja-trained blow job.

18. Invisible Woman

A+ choice, guys!  Just once wouldn’t you want to look back and forth from a pretty blonde’s face, to your penis actually having an orgasm inside of her vagina?!  I know I would. But even without the invisibility, Sue Storm Richards is Marvel’s ultimate MILF.

19. Supergirl

Seriously, sigh.  Just fucking sigh man.  How can you be so innocent and demure and so simultaneously able to rip out my spleen before I even know it?

20. Black Canary

I sometimes think that the Black Canary is the hottest chick in the DC Universe until I remember that she, uh, fucks Green Arrow.  But I’m really happy to have her here, if only for the two awesome and hot Al Rio drawings in a row.

21. Nightwing

Okay, uh, yeah, I can see where you would want some of that shit.

22. Spider-Man

Fucking Peter Parker would probably be great, until the Hobgoblin comes crashing through the window, and then Peter disappears, and you don’t know where he went so you’re worried, but at that point Spider-Man shows up and saves you from the Hobgoblin, and then Spider-Man leaves and Peter Parker comes back and says he was knocked unconscious but was there behind the couch the whole time, oh, and later, Peter publishes some photographs of you and Hobgoblin that he somehow miraculously took while he was unconscious, and then you never put two and two together because, really, you’re a complete fucking idiot.

23. Dazzler

Disco Dazzler, Rave Dazzler, and Punk Rock Dazzler, they all have one thing in common – a friggin’ GREAT vagina.

24. Doctor Manhattan

Doc makes up for the smaller-than-average penis by giving you three of them at the same time, all while working on the newest and coolest photon-neuro-transmo-what-the-ma-fuck in the other room.

25. Kitty Pryde

@KittyPryde actually wrote me on Twitter after posting the nominees for heroes you most want to have sex with. I wrote her back, but neglected to mention that I wanted to anally do her.  I won’t even mind if Lockheed is in the room, staring at me with a creepy look the whole time. Well, okay, I’ll mind a little. But it will be worth it.

26. Thor

27. Psylocke

No duh.

28. Aquaman

Okay, I guess I kind of get it. If you’re not talking about the hook-for-a-hand-Aquaman.  He’s blonde and lithe and not afraid to wear flashy colors. But I’d still be afraid he’d treat me like a Led Zeppelin groupie, if you get my drift.

29. Superboy – Conner Kent

30. X-23

Another debut, and a pretty good choice. Except, uh, isn’t she supposed to be fifteen years old? And after you fictionally fuck her fictional police are going to arrest you and put you in fictional jail for being a very real pedophile.

31. Jade

When looking for drawings of Jade, I could either use one that really showed her green skin, or one in which she was an indeterminate color, therefore excluding her primary physical characteristic, but that showed her with big tits.  The high road is not for me.

32. Batwoman

This lesbian character was voted for almost exclusively by men. I don’t know exactly what that means.  But I’m hoping for a Marvel-DC crossover so that Tony Stark can “turn” her.  She could also have sex with Nightwing and probably still be technically considered a lesbian.

33. Tigra

For thirty-plus years Tigra has been consistently poorly-written, which means you’d probably have an easy time talking your way into her pants.  Especially if you have a slight furry fetish, but aren’t totally willing to commit to it.

34. Batgirl – Stephanie Brown

Being a teen mom and all, you know she’s easy. Go for it.

35. Multiple Man

One of the great things about Jamie Madrox is you can shoot your own Bukkakae videos with just you and him.

36. Starfire

The picture above is why, by the age of nine or ten, comic books had ruined real women for me forever.

37. Spider-Woman

The whole time I’m fucking her I can’t get her face out of my mind as the skrull leader who tried to conquer the world. I know it’s not her fault, but I just can’t help it. So I finish on her face to help block out the painful memories. There. That’s better. I love you, Jessica.

38. The Flash – Wally West

Many of the people who voted for the Flash were gay men. I have no idea why this is. But I do know if I was going to get fucked in the butt I too would want it to be by someone who would get it over with quick.

39. Ms. Marvel

Carol Danvers dropped 13 points from her position last year.  It’s a surprise to me as she is, along with Emma Frost and the Black Cat, one of the most consistently sexualized characters in the Marvel Universe.

40. Mr. Fantastic

I don’t know exactly what the appeal is – perhaps women want a nice, 28 inch cock, even if it’s only a half-inch in diameter.

41. Batgirl – Cassandra Cain

Cassandra’s father taught her how to kill people when she was eight.  Which means she has the ultimate daddy issues.  Which means she’s just my type.

42. Hawkgirl

43. Green Arrow

Me: Still with the beard, dude, seriously?  It’s 2011.  Him: I’m fucking Black Canary every single night. Me: (nothing)

44. Cassie Hack

Last year we had Fairchild, Witchblade, and Lady Death, but this year Cassie Hack is the only character on the list who isn’t Marvel or DC.  With such super-hotties as the aforementioned nominees, as well as Aspen Matthews, Calie Liddle, and more, there’s something a little sad about this that has to do with the overly corporate nature of comics, but I can’t think about it too much because I’m distracted by Scarlet Witch’s delicious corporate tits right below me.

45. Scarlet Witch

46. Vixen

47. Blink

48. Red Sonja

49. Jennifer Kale

50. Aurora

Really?  You guys don’t have enough problems with crazy girls in real life, you are going to vote for the most unbalanced character in comics? True, she’s probably insane in bed. But somehow it doesn’t seem worth it, considering you’re going to get Bobbitted afterward.

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Thanks to all the incredibly talented artists whose art I’ve appropriated for these blogs, including Michael Turner, Adam Hughes, Eric Basaldua, Greg Horn, Al Rio, Ed Benes, J. Scott Campbell, and many more.

Come back soon (maybe tomorrow) for the list of Superheroes I most want to have sex with, which is very different from the list above.

 

The 15 Superheroes I Most Want to Have Sex With